As many of you out there know we have had some major problems with my new granddaughter. I have refrained from blogging about them out of deference to my daughter BUT, trust and believe, there is one hell of a blog post…and a novel….coming soon! Like, with any luck at all, REAL soon!
I digress.
On Amazon Prime Day I looked and looked and looked for a good crib and found nothing so I ended up shopping ‘online’ in my office while my daughter shopped ‘online’ in her room and we zinged text messages and links back and forth until we found a crib we agreed on. On freakin’ walmart.com (oh the shame of it all!) I won out on the color…..cherry finish…..hey! Hubby and I were paying for it! Not to mention the fact that daughter wanted a white crib. Daughter had a white crib. Oh Gods! It showed every spec of dirt especially when she got the ‘I love cookies’ stage of life! LOL So I ordered the crib and sent her links to mattresses to wit I got a message back; It doesn’t come with a mattress?
Oy.
No, they do not come with a mattress.
So I ordered the mattress of my choice along with the sheets of my choice; double set 1-hearts 1-unicorns.
Last night hubby and baby-daddy put it together and boy does it look nice!
Score!
However……as I was ordering this stuff a little voice in my head kept saying; You’re forgetting something.
I looked at my order over and over and over again and finally decided that little voice was wrong. I was not forgetting anything.
Until last night. When the crib was put together and I realized;
Damn! Crib bumpers! I forgot the freakin’ bumper pads!
So, keeping in mind Dear Reader, that we’ve had lots of ‘problems’ and they’re about to come an end if we have done everything “right”. As I was sitting upon the Throne this morning I went to target.com and walmart.com looking for crib bumpers.
They had such nice selections.
I needed to have them by 9:30 this morning so forget about ‘ordering online’.
Side note—all of the bumpers I really really liked had to be ordered! WTF? Have retailers forgotten that there are many times when one needs something RIGHT NOW. We can’t wait for ‘shipping’. Grrrrrr. —End side note.
Anyhoo, between the two stores WalMart opened first and they had some really nice bumpers…..online. Most of which said ‘free in-store pickup’ next to the ‘order’ button. One set was perfect! Don’t about anybody scream about ‘cultural appropriation’ here; it was an ‘indian’ set. It went very nicely with the dream catcher I bought on Amazon Prime Day and the dream catcher patterned blankets I bought my graddaughter several months ago. So me, being me, being “old” and all, I figured; I’ll just run out there and get them.
I hear you laughing. Go ahead that’s fine. I’m used to it.
I get all the way out to freakin’ WalMart and go all the way to the back of the ‘superstore’ and to the Baby Section where….I cannot find what I went there for. The only ‘bumpers’ I could find were these ugly things
They came in pink, white, and gray. The package says ‘doctor approved’ and ‘breathable’.
1-there is NO lack of oxygen in a crib so long as it doesn’t have a solid top! LOL 2- ‘doctor approved’? You do know why 4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident gum, don’t you? Yes, they only asked 5 dentists. You can get a doctor to ‘approve’ just about anything if you pay them enough.
I stood there looking at those packages thinking; how in the hell is that supposed to prevent a baby from wailing its head against the bars of the crib? Something both of my daughters seemed to love to do either when they rolled over or just because they were mad. I can see how it prevents a little leg or arm from being jammed between the bars but I’m really more concerned about the head. So I went to the one store employee working the Baby Department.
She could not have been more than 24.
I said; Excuse me, Miss, where I can I find the baby bumper you have advertised online?
I shit you not and again do not accuse me of being ‘racist’ or of ‘cultural appropriation’ here as I swear to you, Dear Reader, upon anything you consider holy she looked at me and in the weirdest Valley Girl/Hispanic accent said…as she rolled her eyes at me; Those are a safety hazard.
WHAT?
Ok.
So I picked up the set you see above….$28.00! For mesh!
Oh well, at least granddaugher’s arms and legs won’t get stuck. However is she’s anything like her mother and her aunt she is going to wail her head against those bars and there will be no padding to prevent a concussion. But hey! There there will be plenty of AIR in the crib!
ROFLMAO
Yes, Dear Reader, I understand the illogical “thinking” behind this; somewhere, somehow, along the line, some baby pressed its face to the crib bumper and suffocated. I’m so sorry about that. BUT….just how astronomically small is that number? If you just thought; 1 is too many.
You don’t belong here.
You’re probably one of the people who loves the ‘baby straight jacket’ (also ‘doctor approved’) that I was forced to buy.
If you have no idea of what I’m talking about there….here…..
I don’t know about you but that looks like YEARS of therapy bills to me.
But I bought one because we have ‘problems’.
I never wanted to turn into my parents….I’m sure you didn’t either….but it’s inevitable. It really is. One you wake up and long for ‘the good old days’ when people had Common Sense. You look at this new generation and think to yourself; Well, it’s no wonder so many of you fall off cliffs trying to take a selfie.
Sometimes, I swear, this ‘new generation’ is going to be the death of not just everything good in this world but that they’re out to suck the joy right out of life until everyone is turned into a padded little drone who…falls off cliffs trying to take selfies.
How, my friends, how how how, did we ever survive our childhoods?
Why are we not dead?
Most of all, how in the fuck did we ever manage to raise such wimps to the point those offspring are now allowed to call themselves ‘professionals’?
We rode in the back of pickup trucks.
We rode in the ‘wayback’ of station wagons.
Seatbelts?
Car seats?
Mere suggestions. Fuck…MY car seat was nothing more than an old-fashioned restaurant booster seat that happened to have metal hooks that went over the back of the FRONT seat.
We ate grilled red meat off the bone.
We rode our bikes without helmets or knee pads or reflectors or headlights.
Hell, we rode Tonka trunks down big hills! Metal Tonka trucks!
We stayed out until dark without any ‘adult supervision’. If you’re anything like me the rule was; When those streetlights come on your ass better be running back the house, don’t make me call for you!
So how is that we ever managed to not just make it to adulthood but once we got there we also managed to not leave our children in ‘hot cars’ where they cooked to death?
Well probably because it was before air bags and our kids were right in the FRONT seat where it was IMPOSSIBLE to ‘forget’ about them.
Oh yeah and we managed to not fall off a cliff as we were trying to take a picture of ourselves.
Ok, fine….confession time….ONCE my parents DID ‘forget’ about me. They did. They were new parents and I was adopted at 14 months of age. Although ‘doctors’ (who approve such shit as described above) might tell you; memories are only formed AFTER age 4 or so! LOL. I clearly remember this incident and I was way less than 4 but then again, me being me, I actually remember the day I ‘came home’ and the day I was ‘legally adopted’.
Anyway, We went to a local store (Benny’s anyone remember Benny’s?) I wandered off to the Toy Department. I sat in the window having a ‘tea party’ and actually watched my parents drive off without me! I did! I can laugh about it today probably because my parents laughed about it for years…with a tinge of guilt of course. They came zipping back for me, only to find me in the same window having the same tea party.
In the end, my point in this; I didn’t get this old by being stupid and neither did YOU, Dear Reader (well provided you happen to be over the age of 45).
Once Upon a Time we were warned of A Brave New World.
Orwell almost got it right. Almost.
Now….it’s a Cowardly New World.
Where people get killed at Garlic Festivals.
I’m 52. I got maybe 20 more years to go. Ick…30 if I’m terribly unlucky.
I’ll take the 20 because in 30 we’re all going to be stuck in
